Clinton Portis For President

Oct/20/08 01:07 AM Filed in: Clinton Portis | Santana Moss
PortisForPresident
Naturally, in this town and in this month, the Redskins would cover the FedEx Field grounds with "Vote the Redskins Ticket" yard signs, urging fans to punch their players into the Pro Bowl. And naturally, two homemade signs in the end zone would advocate CP for President, Santana Moss for Vice President and, somewhat bizarrely, Jason Campbell for Secretary of State, which isn't technically an elected position.

"It's not a recession; it's Redskin-cession," the sign read, which also was initially puzzling but made perfect sense once you realized the creators were the mother and close friend of Clinton Portis, who, the way he's playing, might as well expand his portfolio. MVP might not be enough.

"He's the only dude in the nation that can win this race," said Marlon Jackson, who described himself as Portis's "brother from another mother," as he held the signs skyward. "Barack, you need Clinton," he told us. "You need Clinton for your backup, Barack. Trust me."

"Who would be better?" asked Portis's mother, Rhonnel Hearn. "We will help people keep their houses. Everyone will have somewhere to stay. We don't bail out Wall Street and then everybody goes to the spa." (AIG execs: Clinton Portis's mom just served you!!!!)

"You know we'll fix the schools," Jackson added. "Everybody's struggling, CP's the way to go."

Before we delve into their feelings about meeting with foreign leaders absent preconditions or taxing small business with net income over $250,000, let's take a quick breather to get Portis's thoughts. Clinton?

"Hey man, you want to have a world that's off the chain...." Portis said, imaging the possibilities. "It would be OFF...I mean, it would be great. It would be great, man, but I don't think I can run this country. I would love to give you my opinion on who I think should be in office, but I'll leave it alone."

His family members were less reticent, although they acknowledged that Portis isn't technically old enough to claim the White House, if you're a strict constructionist.

"We got to wait 'till we finish the Redskins season first," Jackson said. Maybe by then, the Redskin-cession will have ended.

(washigtonpost.com)