Portis Debuts New Characters

Having already courted the country music crowd, Clinton Portis's offseason push for heartland fan allegiance took its next natural step this week, when he went on the NFL Network to debut four new characters. If you watch the accompanying video, some of the youthful zest will likely be drained from your initial glee, after you you hear Rich Eisen say that "WE'VE created" all these new costumes for Portis.

Who's this "We," exactly? Look, we don't want to see any dang market-research-inspired costumer behind any dang curtain, especially not an NFL-employed market-research-inspired costumer. In our minds, Clinton sits at home and sketches out these characters on construction paper, using magic markers and sparkle glue, before going to various thrift shops and dollar stores to shop for supplies while dressed in his bathrobe and slippers. There are certainly no NFL market research fellas in on this.

But anyhow, Portis is seeking your vote on which character to debut for the D.C. media this fall, which means you're also voting on which character will lead Joseph White's AP mid-week story this fall. The choices include a Wizard-hat wearing Rasta Prime Minister named Yah Man with the most brutal island accent you've ever heard, a winless 115-pound ultimate fighter named Bud Foxx whose signature move is cracking knuckles, a nastily-toothed dentist named Dr. Do Itch Big who claims credit for inserting the gap into Michael Strahan's grill, and my vote, a pipe-smoking environmentalist named Electra whose shirt reads "Off the Grid is Off the Chain."

(As of this writing, "Off the grid is off the chain" yields zero Google results. And that's a legit chuckle line. Well done, evil NFL marketers. Next thing you know, you'll be providing hysterically customized beer bongs for all our favorite NFL stars.)

"You realize smoking's not that great for the environment," Eisen pointed out to the pipe-smoking environmentalist.

"It's FROM the environment," Portis countered, in one of several moments from this segment that made me laugh even though I promised I wouldn't.

"I never thought about it that way," Eisen admitted.

Maybe it's a bit forced, but still, for June, I say bravo, and let this be the first step in Portis's attempt to force his way into the Pro Bowl by being that much more likable than his peers. Although, to be honest, the best costume might have been Portis's street-clothes: a shirt reading "Money" and a mohawk. I'd vote for that.

Vote for your favorite one by clicking here