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Having already courted the country music crowd, Clinton
Portis's offseason push for heartland fan allegiance
took its next natural step this week, when he went on
the NFL Network to debut four new characters. If you
watch the accompanying video, some of the youthful zest
will likely be drained from your initial glee, after
you you hear Rich Eisen say that "WE'VE created" all
these new costumes for Portis.
Who's this "We," exactly? Look, we don't want to see
any dang market-research-inspired costumer behind any
dang curtain, especially not an NFL-employed
market-research-inspired costumer. In our minds,
Clinton sits at home and sketches out these characters
on construction paper, using magic markers and sparkle
glue, before going to various thrift shops and dollar
stores to shop for supplies while dressed in his
bathrobe and slippers. There are certainly no NFL
market research fellas in on this.
But anyhow, Portis is seeking your vote on which
character to debut for the D.C. media this fall, which
means you're also voting on which character will lead
Joseph White's AP mid-week story this fall. The choices
include a Wizard-hat wearing Rasta Prime Minister named
Yah Man with the most brutal island accent you've ever
heard, a winless 115-pound ultimate fighter named Bud
Foxx whose signature move is cracking knuckles, a
nastily-toothed dentist named Dr. Do Itch Big who
claims credit for inserting the gap into Michael
Strahan's grill, and my vote, a pipe-smoking
environmentalist named Electra whose shirt reads "Off
the Grid is Off the Chain."
(As of this writing, "Off the grid is off the chain"
yields zero Google results. And that's a legit chuckle
line. Well done, evil NFL marketers. Next thing you
know, you'll be providing hysterically customized beer
bongs for all our favorite NFL stars.)
"You realize smoking's not that great for the
environment," Eisen pointed out to the pipe-smoking
environmentalist.
"It's FROM the environment," Portis countered, in one
of several moments from this segment that made me laugh
even though I promised I wouldn't.
"I never thought about it that way," Eisen admitted.
Maybe it's a bit forced, but still, for June, I say
bravo, and let this be the first step in Portis's
attempt to force his way into the Pro Bowl by being
that much more likable than his peers. Although, to be
honest, the best costume might have been Portis's
street-clothes: a shirt reading "Money" and a mohawk.
I'd vote for that.